Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Don't Blame America for Soccer's Problems Folks


Well here’s a third world problem that can’t be blamed on the United States now can it? Of course I am talking about soccer, or as it is called in the rest of the world football. I have never taken soccer seriously, and that is basically the American way. They use it as a social experiment here, instead of an actual competition, so the average American just looks at it as what it is, a third world sport that doesn’t cost much to play. Of course the “Yo partido de futbol” holds a special place in my heart because it was the first thing a Spanish teacher was ever able to teach me, because it sounded silly in Spanish and English.

Now as the world is apparently on fire because FIFA is corrupt, all I can say is, “A third world sport is run like a third world government huh?” Seriously folks, I work with a lot of Bosnians, a few Haitians, some Dominicans, a German and a Brazilian. The only two things they all have in common is that they are American citizens who don’t root for the American team, and they all complain that FIFA is a corrupt organization. Both of those things have been a constant for the ten years I have known them, and it always makes me smile because the good old US of A, capitalism or freedom had nothing to do with what a crappy organization FIFA is or what a crappy sport soccer is.

Now to be fair, there are a few things I enjoy about soccer, since my father is a big fan. He’s retired, so he has nothing better to do I think. I’m sure I would find something better to do, but I do watch some of these games when I am checking in on him. The first thing I noticed about soccer that really amuses me, is that French soccer players have a tendency to do stupid things that cost them the games. Soccer mimics reality there, but some days it is flagrant red card stuff, other days it is players quitting in the middle of a game because they didn’t get their way. Well I guess there is three things that the Bosnians, Haitians, Dominicans the German and the Brazilian all agree on too.

The British make soccer kinda interesting too. Not the sport itself but the way the hooligans act in the stands. That should really demonstrate how boring the game is when you have to get a good fight going in the middle of the game to pass the time. I still like that, and it gets even better when they are playing Ireland and you have even more hate and more booze involved. Just cue into the stands and let the 0 – 0 tie happen on the field without me. There are countries in South America where people actually get killed if they blow a soccer game! More third world ways of dealing with something trivial, I guess.

Now I am not here to just complain about a boring sport and a third world governing body, no folks, I am an American with an ego issue, so I have brought solutions along with me. There are a few ways to get rid of the corruption and the boredom, and I am going to share them with you all. The first and most important it DO NOT get another person with a name like Sepp Blatter to head the whole thing. I saw this the other day and I almost dropped a weight on my foot. I can’t believe that the English among us who actually don’t think soccer sucks didn’t jump all over that one. Nothing is more dirty than a Blatter with Sepp in it folks. The irony there is just ball busting folks.


Next you need to get them all to play the game on brooms with three big hoops at the end of the field, only call it a pitch or something like that. Get the balls to actually attack the players, and give a few of them bats so they can hit those balls into each other. Yeah that would be pretty cool. Then get some little ball the size of a golf ball with wings that can fly around and hide from the person that needs to go find it … What? It’s a hell of a lot more interesting than a soccer game admit it!